Summer has properly arrived here in the UK and every single British person has gone from bemoaning the lack of sun to complaining about the excess of it.
Including me.
So here is my list of reasons why I seriously hate a heat wave.
Boob sweat.
What have I ever done to deserve this? The undersides of my breasts are rubbed raw and no bra is comfortable.
A few smaller-breasted acquaintances have expressed envy of my bounteous bosom in this 'bikini weather' and even when I tell them the horrors of hot and sweating boobs, they still can't contemplate the reality of your melons boiling away in an underwired torture device.
I'm hot
You have to start every conversation by telling someone that you're hot. In fact, I'm so hot that most evening conversations between my husband and I are repetitions of:
"I'm so hot."
"Me too."
"It's boiling."
"I'm sweating."
"Me too."
"I'm really hot."
The children won't sleep
... and I can't even blame them because I can't sleep either! No one in our house has slept properly in over three days. Tonight I'm considering sleeping in the garden. I'm not even exaggerating.
Shops have sold out of fans
I should have learnt by now but earlier in this blasted heat wave I said to my husband that there's no point buying a fan that we'll only use once before sticking it up in the loft.
I say this every year.
Despite the fact that for the last two years I have gone out and bought a fan and used it pretty much constantly until September.
By the time I want to buy a fan every single shop in a 10 mile radius is sold out and the ones online are so expensive you'd have to sell a kidney.
The Ice Cream van only sells vanilla flavour
I don't want another boring Mr Whippy 99! I want one of those cheap, neon-coloured strawberry ice creams that I used to get when I was little. I'd happily settle for one of those lemon sorbet ones that shine as bright as the sun.
But no. It's either vanilla ice cream delivered to your door or brave a journey to town to buy expensive but deliciously flavoured handmade ice creams at the parlour.
Don't even get me started on the options available at our local newsagents. Which is shut for refurbishment anyway.
Everyone keeps telling me to put ice in front of a fan
I've lost count of how many people have offered me this valuable piece of advice. I'm sure some people have told me it more than once. They're only trying to help so I'd feel bad screaming at them "I know already! I've tried that already! I'm still bloody hot!"
And anyway. I haven't got enough fans!
I can't go for a run
Even waiting until late evening, it's still too hot to enjoy going for a waddle down the road and back. The summery warm evenings make my normal gasps for air seem like I'm inhaling the hot froth from the top of a cappuccino.
After a month or so of building up enough stamina and motivation to actually jog round the block without stopping, I'm worried that an extended break in routine is going to mess with my aim of doing a 5k at the end of the summer.
The paddling pool has more punctures than plastic
*slight exaggeration*
I never know what to make of paddling pools. They can take ages to blow up and fill. The water is always too cold. The children never seem to play in it for very long and they get full of drowned bugs.
But I would give a lot of money right now to sit in a blasted freezing cold pool of bug infested water.
And I can't because ours has a hole in it.
I'm burning
This isn't just another way of telling you I'm hot (see above). I am literally burning. At just a hint of sunshine my skin starts to burn and even if I layer up in sunscreen and stay in the shade I still end up covered in a red hot, itchy prickly heat. I just can't win.
How are you coping in the heat? Do you love it or hate it?
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