A quarter-life crisis?!

I sit here wondering if I am the only person working in a school who wishes it wasn't half term right now.

As the break approached everyone I work with was looking forward to a holiday but all I could think about was a disruption to routine and endless days with my kids.

Which makes me sound like a pretty shit mother really.

Shouldn't I want to spend every single second of every single day savouring their childhood?

One day I'll wake up and they'll be grown. And I'll miss these times.

It's not even that they're misbehaving.

It's not that I don't love them.

It's not that I don't want to spend as much time with them as possible.

I just don't want to spend time with me.

The real me who is boring, frumpy, grumpy (thanks for that suggestion, auto-correct) and depressing.

I want to step out of my life right now, just for a few days and have a real break. Not just from work but from everything. From being a mum, a wife, a colleague. From being myself. from my history and my future.

On 'normal' days I crack on with my usual routine and habits. I do my work, the school runs, the meal planning, budgeting and parenting. I adore my kids and love nothing more than an evening in front of the TV with my husband.

But left at home at half term I daydream of being something, someone else. Somewhere else.

It's hard to explain because there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm not unhappy. I'm just... restless? That kinda sounds childish, petulant and yet I can't find another word to describe this feeling of wanting to break out of my own skin and be something else.

Someone completely different who can do whatever they want. Someone fun, vivacious, attractive, totally sexy.

You know, not me.

I want to go to glamorous, decadent parties. Misbehave. Sleep until midday.

Preferably somewhere hot. Luxurious. With Prosecco on tap.

I don't want to go back to who I was before kids, before marriage or before becoming a 'proper grown up'.

I just fantasise about escaping so completely that I'm not even recognisable as myself. Just for a few days.

And then I come back to my warm, happy, normal life. With my husband and my kids and my messy home with a wash pile the size of a mountain.

Am I just being totally weird?

Is this what a female (early) mid-life crisis looks like?

Is this a quarter-life crisis?

Does it hint at some sinister yearning within my pysche?

I have no bloody idea. Give it a few days of totally ridiculous daydreaming and then everything will be back to normal.
Maxine said...

Love your blog. I think everyone would like to do this your not alone

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